


Hold Me Now

by StairsWarning



Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Needy Stefan, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Period-Typical Homophobia, Rating May Change, lots of hand holding, sugar daddy Colin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-08 18:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17391512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StairsWarning/pseuds/StairsWarning
Summary: Stefan is immediately drawn to Colin, but there's a large difference between wanting someone from a distance and actually having the opportunity to have them.Colin understands, though. He's patient, that Colin Ritman.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> songs I listened to: too shy (kajagoogoo), hold me now (thompson twins), the unknown pleasures full album (joy division), the full touch album (eurythmics) and love galore (sza). i love music inspo !!!

He’s absolutely loaded, and has nothing to do with it. That shouldn’t pique Stefan’s interest as much as it does. As a kid that came from a moderately well-off family, it shouldn’t be the idea of financial security that draws him in, no, that need had been met long ago. Stefan sets the feeling aside, trying (and failing) to not notice Colin’s steely gaze as he plays through his demo.

If this is what it would be like every day if he accepted Thakur’s offer, he’d die by blushing and anxiety, so no matter how good the offer is, he declines. He risks a glance at Colin, who gives him an appreciative and almost proud look that, _fuck,_ gets him right in the gut.

“The lad's a craftsman.” Colin tosses the rubber band ball slightly, feigning indifference. “He's a lone woodsman. I'm the same.” Colin doesn’t look at Stefan, instead opting to gaze around the room loosely. Stefan is grateful for it, his heart beating out of his chest from the compliment. _If this is how you get from a loose comparison, imagine how a_ **_real_ ** _compliment would feel?_ His brain supplies unhelpfully.

He gets the deal, thanks to Colin. He owes quite a bit to the man, and that doesn’t quite seem to bother him much.

That night, he dreams of Colin. His eyes, his confidence. His unerring control. His hands around Stefan’s neck.

Stefan wakes up that morning with quite the impressive boner, and he’s just embarrassed enough to will it away with a cold shower. When he stops by the office later that day to finalize details, Colin’s eyes bored into his as if he knew. Stefan leaves the building hurriedly, sweating through his shirt.

Several months pass without any visits to the office. Stefan is completely surrounded by Bandersnatch and its pathways, and it might be getting to him. He gets a call in mid-August from Thakur. “Yeah mate, I just wanted to clarify some points about your employment with us before the code due-date hits.” Thakur sounds like he’s doing his put-upon smile, from what Stefan can guess.

“Well, can’t you tell me over the phone?”

“I would, but I can’t remember what the points quite are yet. You’ll just ‘ave to come in later today, then.” Thakur booms into the phone. Stefan gets out a meager “Wha-?” Before Thakur yells a cheerful “Ta!” and hangs up. What a prick.

“Dad, I have to go into the office for a bit, I’ll be back later.” Stefan ignores his father’s surprise at him willingly leaving his room, and hurries out the front door, feet rhythmically moving towards the bus stop. _Bollocks, it’s chilly today,_ he thinks. But there was no way he would head back inside to face his father’s bland emotional tirades.

When he arrives to the office, he becomes nervous down to his very bone marrow at the idea of seeing Colin again. After only seeing him briefly around the town when he was forced to go grocery shopping with his dad (embarrassing), he assumed he would no longer be of any intrigue to _the_ Colin Ritman. Well, at least that would draw some attention away from the fact that Stefan still regularly… _thought_ about Colin. In a not-work-appropriate way. He takes a deep breath and enters the building.

The first person he sees that he recognises is, of course, Colin. He only looks up from his computer screen briefly, giving Stefan possibly the most cryptic look he had ever received. Stefan shuffles past Colin’s desk- willing away a blush- towards Mohan’s office. He expects some big contract or a secret handshake or _something_ that Stefan wasn’t privvy to yet, but it was nothing more than a two-minute check-in. Asshole. When Stefan finishes up his little meeting with Thakur (“You’ll be paid once you get the game in, Stefan” “oh okay”), he leaves the office, attempting (and failing) to not make eye contact with Colin. But instead of a simple, small, uncomfortable bout of coworker eye-contact, Colin rises from his desk and heads towards Stefan with a purpose. _Ssssssshit._

“‘Ey, Stefan.” Colin comes to a stop a good distance from him, perfectly friendly, perfectly socially acceptable. Stefan would love nothing more if Colin closed that gap. _Not the time!_

“Y-yeah? What’s up, Colin?” Stefan’s eyes dart around the room to try and quell his nervous energy. Colin leans back on his heels, making him seem so much goddamn taller. His face suggests a deep postulation, but what comes out of his mouth is-

“Aren’t you cold?”

Stefan furrows his brows, laughing slightly under his breath. He composes himself vaguely before replying. “Uh, kind of? I guess? The bus is usually pretty warm so I’m not cold from like, walking all the way here, ha.” Fuck, was talking about the bus uncool? Colin’s face seems to lean towards _yes._ His face contorts mildly, more hinting towards concern than dislike.

“Hm.” He replies, cryptic as fucking ever. Of course Stefan had to mess up now, not like his first impression was all that impressive in the first place. It’s just like him to be an embarrassing kid without a car or a driving license and take the city bus and listen to the Thompson Twins instead of something cooler.

“Sorry. Well I’ll be on my way then-” He turns to leave the most uncomfortable conversation he’s ever had as Colin exclaims a small “Wait!”, grabbing Stefan’s shoulder. When he turns back around, Colin almost looks sheepish, drawing his hand back to his side. His face slides right back into his neutral face.

“You could borrow my jacket, if you’d like.” He makes a show of looking at Stefan’s still cold fingertips. “It seems like you’d appreciate it more than I do.” His eyes drag back up to Stefan’s eyes, and Stefan feels as if Colin already knows his answer. He doesn’t have to imagine someone controlling his actions to know that there is only one choice to pick.

“Um, sure. Thank you, Colin.” Stefan follows Colin back to his desk and spots a small smile from the older man. He looks around his desk a bit before spotting the jacket on an out-of-the-way coat rack. Colin hands it to him, a small ‘thank you’ falling out of his lips. It’s definitely leather, and very comfortably worn. He considers denying the offer since the jacket is clearly a favorite, but the look in his eyes suggests that that time has passed.

“Come along, then. I can’t have you riding the bus, people’d think you were me in that jacket.” He says with a smile and a wink. Happiness bubbles out of Stefan’s chest like a fountain and he suppresses a grin. The blush, however, cannot be stopped. “I was heading out anyway, might as well bring you on home, then.” Colin comes up beside Stefan, resting his (large, probably definitely callused, manly) hand on Stefan’s lower back, guiding him down to the parking garage.

He opens the passenger-side door for Stefan, the picture of a cool gentleman. Stefan was probably coming off more as a kid in the presence of his friend’s parents for the first time, all politeness and awkward silences. As soon as Colin gets into his car and turns it on, though, Stefan’s mouth opens and words fly out. “Is this Eurythmics? I love this band. ‘Here Comes the Rain Again’ is so underrated.” He shuts his mouth as soon as he realises he’s being what his dad calls, “embarrassing and unbecoming of someone your age”. He’s 19, he’s not _deaf,_ and hopefully Colin can realize that too. And it seems like he does.

“Yeah, I usually prefer less top-40 bands, but Eurythmics gets it right.” That small bit of encouragement sends a rush of validation through Stefan, and he’s probably grinning like an idiot. “Oy.” Colin taps Stefan’s arm lightly. “Where’s your house?”

 

When ‘Right by Your Side’ comes on, Colin pretends to not watch as Stefan quietly sings along bobbing his head side-to-side with the beat.

 

Stefan waves to Colin as he’s walking into his house, blush high on his cheeks and burning his ears. He doesn’t worry about his dad, though, the unobservant wanker he is. He realizes as he walks into his room that he forgot to give Colin his jacket back, but part of him thinks that that was the point.

He closes his bedroom door slowly, as if he were just going to keep working (like he should). Instead, he holds the unzipped jacket by the teeth, bunches it next to his face, and inhales like the weirdo he knows he is. The jacket smells like how he imagines Colin to smell- a deep home-like scent, hair bleach, wind, and the ever-present air of roll up cigarettes. Stefan pushes past his gut feeling that what he is doing is _wrong_ and _bad_ and _definitely frowned down upon_ and he lays down in bed on his side, burying his face in the side of the jacket. Colin’s jacket. He feels a lump pressing against his side, and when he digs in the pocket he finds a small metal cigarette case. He opens the container with a quiet wonder, the roll ups in the container both shock him and do no such thing.

Why would Colin give him his jacket, especially one with cigarettes in it?

_He’s giving you a choice. Return the cigarettes, or smoke them._

He can’t decide. He chooses to put it off, tucking the container back into the jacket pocket. If Colin missed the cigarettes or the container, he would come and get them. Stefan would simply hold onto them for now, not at all taking small moments in his day to ground himself with the smell of one of them, imagining Colin over his shoulder fixing his code, a murmured _‘Good boy’_ in his ear.

What Stefan _definitely_ doesn’t do is masturbate with a jacket sleeve against his face, hand over his mouth to keep quiet. Nevertheless, the worn leather jacket becomes a favorite of his.

He makes a realization while zoned out at his computer, casually hugging Colin’s jacket. Each interaction they had had, Colin had given him choices, but Stefan’s answer never mattered. Colin knew the answer, and only gave Stefan the _illusion_ of a choice. He feels echoes of things that he never experienced. P.A.C.S., LSD, government spies. All jumbled up it makes no sense, but as soon as he looks at his branched tree of choices, it all makes sense.

The point wasn’t to give players as many choices as possible.

To truly do the book justice, he had to play God. He had to give the illusion of free will.

 

Two long days and sleepless nights later, Stefan rushes out of his house, Bandersnatch demo shoved in his satchel. He puts on Colin’s jacket without thinking, half-running, half-jogging to the bus stop. He needed Colin to see what he’s created. On the bus he’s anxious, leg bouncing non-stop. On a whim quite a while before he had decided to buy a new cassette tape, some band that he had recognized somehow. The urge to put it on now hit him, and he was in no mood to disobey. The calming sound of Joy Division’s synth-y drums sends a calming wave over him. He gets off at the stop before the Tuckersoft building.

Stefan busts through the doors, ignoring Thakur’s shocked yelp. “Colin,” He says, just loud enough to be heard through his headphones. Stefan locks eyes with Colin, and thank the fucking _stars,_ he understands. He immediately gets up, grabs his things, and leads Stefan out of the building. As they walk, Colin dips his head down near Stefan’s ear, whispering harshly.

“I can’t believe you figured it out this soon, mate. Usually it takes some drugs and the threat of this timeline’s death to get you to see.” People pass by them with scared looks on their faces, neither of them pay any mind. They take a sharp turn into the cold parking garage. Colin doesn’t speak until both of them are inside his car. He turns to Stefan, intense intrigue focusing his gaze solely onto Stefan. He furrows his brows. “What made you see it? What was the key?”

Stefan laughs awkwardly, not completely sure how to tell Colin that yes, it was still _him_ who helped him discover his own reality, just… Not in the normal way that most other pathways took. “Well…” He pulls at his earlobe awkwardly.

“Well? Out with it, Stefan.” Colin leans in conspiratorially. “Have you killed your father so soon?” Stefan blanches. At that, Colin looks both surprised and excited. “I’ll take that as a no, then. Alright.” He nods, situating himself in his seat proper. He starts the car, Joy Division crackling from the car speakers.

“I-I know this band!” _Oh great,_ Stefan thinks, _more over excited nerd talk._ “I was listening to them on the way here!” Stefan grabs his own tape player from his jacket pocket, the container of cigarettes falling on the car floor in plain view. Stefan freezes, moving his eyes slowly from the metal case to Colin’s smug look. They sit there for a few moments, the car idling, Stefan panicking, and Colin smiling like a smarmy bastard.

“So…” Colin begins, finally shifting his gaze back to the car and driving it. “You kept it.” Stefan wasn’t sure if he meant the jacket or the cigarette case or both, but he nods anyways. “Then I don’t believe I need to hear what happened,” he turns his head slightly, tilted to the side and sending a wicked glance Stefan’s way. “But I would really love to hear it anyway, later.”

They drive in silence the rest of the time back to Colin’s apartment, taking small moments to hum along to a track on the tape. Colin parks, quickly opens his door and circles around the car to grab Stefan’s elbow, moving his ( _ohgod still big, still firm, still so so warm_ ) hand to Stefan’s lower back. He guides them both up to his apartment, where a woman (“Kitty,” she introduces herself as) sends a knowing wink Colin’s way before taking Pearl and a stroller out the apartment doors. Colin chuckles, walking over to the opposite side of the room to the record player and grabbing Phaedra.

“So… Are you and Kitty…?” Stefan says, shifting his weight foot to foot, looking around the apartment entrance.

“Us? Oh god no. We live together to throw off anyone about her bein’ a lesbian and all. I was the eh, sperm donor.” He sounded almost uncomfortable about the fact, which to be quite honest, is the only time Stefan can remember him being uncomfortable about anything. Stefan takes his word for it, eyes still darting anxiously around the room, but moving his feet slowly towards the record player Colin was facing. Colin turns to face Stefan appreciatively, a blush working up the back of Stefan’s neck. Colin takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly. His eyes roam Stefan’s body unashamed. “Yeah, that jacket was a good choice on you, it’s clearly not yours.” His eyes bore deep into Stefan’s own, and he refuses to look away this time. Colin smiles.

Colin directs his gaze to the computer in the corner of the office space, gesturing towards it. “There you are, mate. A proper workspace.”

“Wow.” He can’t believe his eyes. He knew that his own computer was like old-school Latin compared to this modern English computer, but. Wow. He can't stop saying wow. He sits down at the desk chair delicately, glancing up at Colin to see if what he was doing was still ok. Colin however, was too busy lighting a roll up, walking into the kitchen to (presumably) make tea. “Alright,” Stefan murmurs to himself. “Time to work.” He pulls out the demo, and falls right back into Bandersnatch.

Several hours must have passed before Stefan stopped working. The light that had originally been streaming through the many windows in Colin’s apartment had long since waned, and Stefan’s stomach was growling softly. He groaned, pulling his feet up onto the chair and hugging his knees. Colin’s computer system was far superior to his, but that didn’t make his programming any better. He stared down the start screen (or really, the lack thereof) and could not, for the life of him, figure out how to make the code work. “Fuck it!” He yells to no one in particular, standing and stretching. “Fuck it. Fuck this!” Stefan yells, forgetting that yes, he was still in Colin Ritman’s apartment, not his own cramped little room. “Oh. Whoops.” He says, eyes locking onto Colin’s. Colin opens his mouth to say something but stops himself with a chuckle, tongue running against his teeth.

“It’s time for a break, then.” He says, walking over to Stefan and moving him over to the curved couch. Colin sits down and positions Stefan so he’s laying down on his back, his feet and calves laying across Colin’s lap. “I have a Commodore if you’d like to relax that way.” He starts, propping his arms against Stefan’s legs. “Otherwise you can sleep. Which one?”

“Uhh,” Stefan adjusts his position, settling further into the couch. “What games do you have?” He brings his right hand up to his mouth, anxiously chewing on his nails. Colin glances over to where the console is set up.

“Well, I have all of my games, got ‘em for free, those.” Colin says. His eyes snap to Stefan’s own, a small predatory smile gracing his lips. “Could give you all the hints and cheats you need to win on the first go.” Stefan chuckles, fighting down the warmth spreading through his chest.

“I’ll take your offer, but only if I can try to prove myself first.” Stefan tries to put on a serious face, his own version of the I’m-trying-to-impress-my-idol face. Colin rolls his eyes good naturedly, moving Stefan’s legs aside to stand and set everything up. He shoos Stefan away when he tries to help, and when he finishes he falls against the couch gracefully, pulling Stefan’s legs back into his lap.

“Go on then, show me how it’s done.” He gestures towards the game’s home screen with a flourish. Stefan laughs, hitting the START button.

It only takes Stefan ten minutes to start cussing Colin out directly. He laughs, rich and deep. Stefan isn’t really all that frustrated after a certain point, but continues to feign anger to hear his laugh more.

 

“So,” Colin begins, looking down at the half-asleep Stefan with his head in his lap. “Am I going to drive you home or are you staying the night?” He puts his hand on Stefan’s head lightly, moving his bangs back into place.

“Mmh…” Stefan groans. He curls up tighter, hands tucked under his chin. Colin has to fight the impulse to pinch his cheek. “Do you have pyjamas I can borrow? I don’t wanna talk to my dad just yet.” Stefan sighs, burying his face further into Colin’s jeans. At Colin’s noise of assent he smiles, still too tired to truly be anxious.

“I’m gonna have to move your head, love, I’ll be back.” Colin (presumably) walks into his room, and comes back in what feels like the blink of an eye to Stefan. Or, he just fell asleep. Either or, really. Colin puts a pair of soft pyjama trousers and some worn-in graphic tee on his chest, and that’s when Stefan starts to re-awaken, and of course, panic. He swallows nervously, fiddling with the clothes on his chest instead of resorting to one of his normal tics.

“Where’s your loo?” Stefan asks, standing on shaky legs. Colin points, and Stefan quickly shuffles off. He closes the door behind himself, turning to the mirror and taking several deep breaths. _It’s fine, you’re cool, you’re just in your star crushes home about to crash for the night in his clothes. It’s completely straight, there’s no way anyone could call you a sissy for this, anyone would stay! Anyone!_ He realized that his “reasoning” voice wasn’t all that reliable at all. He decides to instead look down at the clothes Colin tossed at him. The trousers are long flannel, dark green. He sets them down on the counter and grabs the black tee, only to see the faded image of the album art for Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures album. It looks well-loved, and Stefan wants nothing more than to feel that same way.

He finally gets the nerve to put them on. He only has to cuff the trousers twice to not graze the floor. The shirt smells like Colin and he never wants to take it off.

He leaves the loo awkwardly, his own clothes bundled up in his arms. Colin smoothly takes the bundle from his arms, placing it by the entryway. He turns to face Stefan again, his posture and facial expression still screaming indifference. “Stefan, you want to sleep on the couch?” He asks. Stefan feels like there’s a second option hiding there, but is too nervous to ask. He nods. “Right. I’ll grab you some blankets.” Colin walks off measuredly off to wherever he was going, leaving Stefan to sit on the couch and think about the scenario he got himself in.

He was at _the_ Colin Ritman’s apartment, sleeping over after having a solid few bonding moments. He even beat a stage of one of his Commodore games without any tips. Yet, despite the amazingness of the whole situation, his father’s words from over a decade ago wormed their way into his head. _Sissy._ The word made him unfathomably angry and more often than not, scared. What Stefan wanted to do would make him a _sissy_ who couldn’t even _love somebody_ right. His thoughts dispel when Colin reappears, blankets in hand.

“‘Ere you go, I’ll be in the room down the hall there. Let me know if the place sets on fire or what have you.” He gives Stefan one last smile before padding off to his own bedroom. And now he is well and truly alone.

He moves the blankets around, scooching them this way and that to try and get comfortable, but the blankets don’t give the same level of comfort that Colin did. Even though he’s surrounded by everything Colin, the lack of presence of the man has Stefan wide awake, annoyingly staring at the ceiling. He groans and throws an arm across his face, ready for another insomnia-ridden night.

He tosses and turns for what feels like hours. The corners of the room are starting to take shapes that Stefan would rather not look at. The only moments of rest he gets are filled with his least-favorite nightmares- the ones where he chops up his dad’s corpse, or the ones where he kills everyone he looked up to or cared about. He wakes up in a cold sweat and too out of it to second guess himself walking into Colin’s room to check if he was still alive or not. Before he even realizes it, he’s at the foot of Colin’s giant bed. He doesn’t think he says anything, but the next moment Colin is half-awake and grabbing for his glasses.

“So, I see you’re choosing the second option. Smart.” Before Stefan can ask what the option is, Colin pats the bed, his gaze pulling Stefan in slowly. He sits down on the edge of the bed with a ramrod-straight back, still incredibly nervous. The word _sissy_ had been engrained underneath his skin, and he was afraid. Afraid of what would happen if he did what he wanted to do. Afraid of what felt natural. Afraid of what his father would say if he knew. Afraid of muttered words behind his back. Colin rolls his eyes lightly behind him, pulling him down onto his side. Stefan tenses when he feels Colin’s arm wrap lightly around his stomach, his face burning.

“Colin,” Stefan asks, fear making his voice waver, “please don’t say this is a joke. Please.” He feels a small tear escape his eye down onto the sheets. Colin’s arm tightens further, his chest pressing flush against his back. Colin buries his face between Stefan’s shoulder blades.

“I would never joke about this, love.” He murmurs. “Your father’s a prick undeserving of knowing such a spectacular young man as yourself, and his opinions about you mean fucking _nothing._ ” He presses a small kiss to Stefan’s neck, and he finally relaxes.

“I just- he never wanted me to be a- a-” Stefan stutters on the last word, his mouth not wanting to cooperate. Colin shushes him gently.

“You’re not. He doesn’t understand, Stefan. You’re not broken and you’re not any less of a man for this.” Colin runs his free hand through Stefan’s hair, willing him to sleep.

“But you-”

“We’ll talk about this in the morning, love. For now, sleep.” Colin’s words help Stefan, his eyes closing once again. He falls back asleep to the rhythmic pattern of Colin’s hand through his hair and the comforting warmth of an arm looping around him.

There will be words in the morning, but for now Stefan lets himself be happy. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wants to abandon his fears like Colin does, but he can't. But at least Colin can help him out a bit. (flirting helps, Stefan thinks.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings of homophobia, and also warnings for an american (me) trying to use british slang (pls comment if somethings wrong, love yall)

Stefan wakes up gradually, feeling a warm arm around his middle and legs tangled with his own, smelling the smell of roll ups and something distinctly Colin, hearing steady, deep breathing tucked behind his ear, tasting his gross morning breath, and finally opening his eyes to see sunlight streaming into Colin’s bedroom. His heart rate picks up immediately, and he wills himself to stay calm. He feels Colin stretching minutely behind him.

“Morning, love. You sleep at all?” He says, his raspy morning voice making Stefan’s heart swell. It seemed to be doing that a lot, recently. 

“Yeah. No nightmares, I don’t think.” He risks turning over to face Colin, and it pays off. Colin’s glasses are on the nightstand, meaning that his stormy blue eyes are unobstructed. Stefan stares openly, content to count his freckles and figure out what made him so irresistible. Colin brings his hands up slowly, cupping the sides of Stefan’s face delicately. His thumbs rub against his cheeks in such a familiar way, but he can’t place it.

“Good. I need you sharp today, Stefan.” His face falls into his patented aloof expression, thumbs still rubbing against his cheeks rhythmically. Comfortably. 

“Why? I’ve gotta work on Bandersnatch, right? I’m usually pretty sleep deprived working on that anyways.”

“No, today we’re taking a break. A proper break.” Colin’s eyes go soft at the edges. The corners of his mouth turn slightly upwards. “We’ll go out for breakfast, and then walk around town. I’ll get you some proper punk clothes, maybe a few more ill-fitting shirts that you seem to love so dearly.” Colin smiles, chuckling at Stefan’s light swat to the chest.

“Hey! I have a long torso, none of my shirts fit me right.” 

“Did I sound like I was complaining?” Colin drawls, his eyebrows raising suggestively.

“You absolute-” Stefan wiggles his hands underneath Colin’s shirt, aiming for his sides. Colin explodes with laughter to match Stefan’s own, and since when was he laughing?  _ Since when have you ever this happy before? _

Colin grabs Stefan’s wrists lightly, holding them by his face while taking labored breaths. “You really had to go and be playful this early in the morning? At the early hour of-” he glances over to his nightstand- “2:15pm?” They both laugh, the room slowly lapsing into a comfortable silence. Stefan was still on his knees above a completely flat Colin, his hands held aloft. Colin moves both of Stefan’s wrists to one hand, the other reaching for his tin of cigarettes on the nightstand. He grabs one and lights it, content to relax in the comfortable silence.

“I’d, I’d like that plan today, Colin.” He looks out the window to the rest of the city. The sight didn’t frighten him as much anymore. He thought of Kitty and Pearl, and of his father.  _ Maybe if your mom were still here, _ he thought,  _ you wouldn’t be so afraid. _ Wouldn’t he like to know. Colin kisses his knuckles absentmindedly.

“Good, if you want you can keep the shirt for today.” He lets go of Stefan and rolls off the bed, taking his glasses off the nightstand and puts them on. He analyzes Stefan slowly, taking long drags from his roll up. “My pants definitely won’t fit you, but that shirt would look perfect paired with my jacket, I think.” He winks. He walks over to his closet, quietly grabbing clothes and changing- completely nonsexual. Stefan feels comforted by that, that Colin knows that he’s not ready for quite much yet. He takes it upon himself to find his bundle of clothes and goes back into the loo to change.

He looks at himself in the mirror again, this time looking much more well-rested. His hair is tousled in a way that borders between purposeful and idiotic. He keeps his hair wild and changes his pants, sliding on Colin’s jacket over the Joy Division tee. He almost tucks his shirt in like he’s seen Colin do sometimes, but he supposes that would seem like a  _ bit _ too much. 

Colin meets him at the entryway, handing him some socks and his shoes. Stefan spots a small smile on his face when he sees that he kept his shirt on, but doesn’t say anything. 

Stefan always likes riding in the car with Colin. It gives him a good opportunity to just sit and be without having to focus on anything. He analyzes Colin’s posture, memorises the position of his hands; how his fingers curve and move when he taps out a beat or two on the steering wheel. He doesn’t ask where they were going or how long it was going to be. He trusts Colin to know where to go, and that they’ll both get there safely. 

The shopping centre isn’t all that far from the Tuckersoft building, turns out. He ignores his feelings of dread at being in such a populated place as he steps out of Colin’s car. He follows behind Colin for a while, until he notices and slows his pace to match Stefan’s own. He moves slightly closer to Stefan, bumping shoulders playfully. It’s clearly the beginning to a long war against Stefan’s insecurities.

“Come on then, Stefan.” He points his head towards some poorly-lit storefront. “I heard this place has cool stuff for hip young kids.” He taunts. Stefan knows that the jab was bait for a dumb, useless conversation, but maybe he wants a dumb conversation with someone he likes. So, he responds.

“Oh, you think you’ll fit in? You’re getting pretty up there in age, grandpa.” He grins. Colin elbows him, getting right up into his personal space, and Stefan only has the presence of mind to partially care.

“Pretty up there in age? Do you always speak that way to your elders?” Colin pretends to be shocked, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes comically wide. Stefan can’t even reply, he’s laughing so hard. Colin huffs, raising his chin haughtily. “I can’t believe I pushed my 3:30 dinner back for this absolute slander, Stefan.” He crosses his arms, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. Stefan barks out a laugh. 

“I can’t believe an old-timer like you could still be funny.” He wipes a tear from his eye, chuckles dying down. “So… World War One vet, or World War Two?” Stefan manages to deadpan.

“Oh for fucks sake.” Colin says, eyes rolling for real this time, grabbing Stefan’s arm and pulling him towards the clothing store. He doesn’t stop laughing until they get in the store, and even then he occasionally smiles, glancing up at Colin when he thinks he isn’t looking.

Colin buys him a few pairs of cool-patterned trousers that look sort of like some that he has, ones with a cool striped pattern all over. He almost refuses to show Colin each item he tries on, but then he remembers that even through the shame coursing through his body, Colin’s compliments stick with him. “These make you look so tall,” Colin says about one pair, cigarette sticking out of the side of his mouth, hindering his speech slightly.  _ Endearingly _ . “All that you’d need is one of your short shirts and my jacket to make you look right fashionable.” Colin says, watching him from a chair outside the small fitting room. 

“Well, it’s still too expensive for me, I already told you.” He moves to shuffle back into the fitting room when Colin says what should have been quite obvious to Stefan for quite some time.

“Oh, that doesn’t matter. I’ll pay for it all.” Stefan freezes, glancing back at Colin.  _ Of course you forgot he’s rich, you lovesick puppy. _ “And if I see you fret about it even one bit, I’ll…” He puts his chin in his right hand, thoughtful. “I don’t know, buy you more clothes.” He shrugs. “Maybe a cool pin or two to match my own.”

They leave the store with a few bags, and Colin directs him towards some bakery. They order and decide to sit down for a bit, choosing a small two-person table by the front window. They chat about nothing in particular, movies, games, work. It’s nice, just being able to have a conversation and enjoy the company of someone else. Stefan had lost just about all of his friends from school when the rumors went around that he was gay, and the rest were lost after graduation. After that, he only had his father to talk to who was, for all intents and purposes, a terrible person to small-talk with. 

Stefan listens to Colin talk about some movie about a group of guys that hunt down ghosts (he kind of isn’t listening anymore, more content to watch his animated facial expressions while going on about ectoplasm or something) when he spots something in his peripheral vision. His eyes snap to the walkway outside, just a few storefronts down. The guys in the group are pretty nondescript, just some boys from the local Uni, but Stefan knew them better than that. Colin sees his distracted look and turns around to peer out the window.

“You know those tossers?” He asks, already anticipating the answer.

“Yeah.” Stefan swallows. “From school.” His heart goes into overtime as he racks his brain for ways to remain unseen, perhaps going to the back of the shop or maybe pretending not to see them; but when he makes eye contact with them, dread sets into his bones. The lead bloke, Gavin, smiles and walks into the shop and right up to their table.

“Oh, I see Billy-no-mates over here has got himself a little buddy, yeah?” He leans over, putting his hands on the table in front of Stefan. He flinches, trying his best to shrink down into nothing. He takes a cursory glance at Colin, whose eyes have gone very, very dark. His face is set in a way that Stefan had not seen before. “Of course a minger like you’d still be trying to get inna bloke’s pants.” He ruffles Stefan’s hair. “A bit fucked up, innit?” He says menacingly. Stefan doesn’t notice Colin stand up, straightening his back to be at his full height.

“Come here.” He says to Gavin, When he doesn’t obey, Colin walks up to him in one long stride, grabbing the hair at the back of his head and pulling him out of the shop. Stefan anxiously follows, trailed by the rest of Gavin’s posse. They were all nervous as they watched Colin pull Gavin’s face close to his own, whispering something harshly before kicking him in the balls and throwing him face-down onto the pavement. 

“What the fuck, you pillock!” One of Gavin’s goons yells, running to help Gavin back up.

“Oh, you really don’t know when to back down, do you?” Colin says, eyes vitriolic. He walks up to the both of them, a good half-head taller than the both of them. He amplifies his voice for all of them to hear. “If you ever talk to me or Stefan that way again, even if I’m not there,” he moves closer to Gavin, pulling him up by the front of his shirt, emphasizing the next words with a finger poked hard into Gavin’s chest. “I. Will.  _ Fucking. _ End. You. No goddamned if’s and’s or but’s.” He lowers his voice, fire behind his eyes and a cruel twist to his lip. “I have no problem eliminating gormless tits like you any day.” He pulls back slightly, spitting on his face. “Fuck off, mate.” He shoves Gavin to the ground, turning and grabbing Stefan’s elbow to drag him back to the car.

“Holy shit. Holy fucking shit, Colin, why did you do that?” Stefan whispers harshly. “They’ve threatened to kill me like, a dozen times, what if they do?” His eyes dart around the car park at all the people who saw their little scene. No one makes eye contact with them.

“They won’t.” Colin states. His eyes still look like ice, his mouth in a hard line. Stefan misses his easy smile, then.

“But what if they do? Fuck, Colin, they probably know where I  _ live,  _ they’ll tell my dad, then he’ll tell Thakur, and then I’ll be fired and homeless,” His eyes well up, and he stops walking. Colin is pulled to a stop, and Stefan takes his arm out of Colin’s hold. “I don’t know why you defended me like that. It’s dangerous!” He sighs, looking around the car park. “I’ve dealt with worse, Colin. Much worse. I can live with a little public embarrassment.” He leans against a nearby car, wrapping his arms around himself. Trying to be small, hoping that Colin could just get the hint that it was easier to just lie down and take it instead of fighting back so hard. That’s what got people like them killed. His eyes sting from unshed tears.

Colin sighs, walking towards Stefan slowly. He stands in front of him, hands in his pockets and shoulder slouch back in place. Stefan chances looking at his face, and he sees the deep soulfulness that he fell for in the first place. Colin places his hands softly on his upper arms, grounding him. “But you don’t have to. You shouldn’t have to.” He holds eye contact for a while, his gaze unerring. “Stefan, you matter to me enough that you shouldn’t have to take verbal beatings from wankers like them. They don’t have the right to crack down on what we do, Stefan.” He lifts a hand, wiping a small tear away from Stefan’s cheek. “No one can tell us who we can or can’t love. Not blokes like them, not your dad, and not the feds.” He pauses, letting Stefan process and breathe. “Do you understand, Stefan?”

He nods. 

Colin presses a quick kiss to his forehead, moving his right hand back to his pocket and his left into Stefan’s own. 

 

Colin drops him off back home to cool down, but promises to meet back up with him after work the next day. Stefan was glad for the distance, but loathed it at the same time. As soon as he got out of Colin’s car, he wanted to be in his own head for a bit to sort things out, and if anything to escape back into Bandersnatch. His father meets him at the door, worry etched into his face. 

“Oh thank God you’re back in one piece, Stefan, I was beginning to get worried when you didn’t come back last night.” He walked up to his son, enveloping him in a hug. Stefan drops the bags of clothes nearby, awkwardly hugging his dad back. 

“Yeah, I’m quite alright dad. You can let go of me now.” They separate from the hug.

“Yes yes, of course, my own son is too grown-up for such trivialities such as giving his father a hug. I’m so sorry.” He holds his hands up in mock-defeat. Stefan laughs, walking into the kitchen to start making tea. 

“Sorry dad, I hung out with a friend from work, he helped me out with my game a bit more.” He watches the boiling kettle absentmindedly, not noticing his dad poking through his shopping bags. 

“Oy, have you gotten a big fancy programmer paycheck yet? These trousers look lovely!” He exclaims, sounds of crumpled plastic bringing Stefan to realize that his father was rummaging through his things. He groans, walking back into the living room. His father is standing in the entryway, holding up his striped pants by the waistband like they were on display.

“Dad, they’re just some pants, it’s not like I bought a car or anything.” He snatches the pants back from his dad, quickly grabbing his things and rushing back up to his room. He hears his dad chuckling from the kitchen through his closed door, and despite himself, Stefan smiles. Him and his father had always had an antagonistic relationship, but sometimes, they were lucky enough to have things feel ok between them.

A few minutes later, Stefan is already neck-deep in Bandersnatch. His dad knocks softly, setting his tea down on the only free space left on his mess of a desk, patting his shoulder and leaving. Stefan had drank about half of the tea when he realizes that there’s something stuck to the bottom- a sticky note. His dad is long-gone (probably to his home office, hell, he might have even left the house to the pub or something), but Stefan peeks around his room anyways, just in case. He peels the note off the bottom, bracing himself for whatever the hell his father would say to him through sticky note.

_ That bloke in the car seems like a nice fellow.  _

_ Let me know when he’ll come over for dinner! _

“Oh christ.” He mutters, blush heavy on his face. He tucks the post-it deep into his worn copy of Bandersnatch, and he continues working.

 

“So,” Colin begins, picking Stefan up from his house. Like normal, a roll up is hanging from his lips. “Did your dad slaughter you for being gone a day?” He’s wearing a dark blue button-down below his normal navy jacket, Stefan notes. There’s a new pin on his lapel, a snake curling around, color changing from section to section, probably some punk band. 

“No he didn’t, I’m kind of shocked. He hugged me though. That was quite... odd.” He buckles his seatbelt, looking back at his house to spot his dad smiling at him from his office window. Stefan waves awkwardly, directing his attention back to Colin. 

“Yeah, after being gone a day and a half, I wouldn’t blame him.” He reverses the car, shooting a smile over at Stefan. “It’s not like you’re well-known for always being out on the town.”

“Oh sod off.” He laughs, slapping Colin’s arm. They drive in companionable silence for a while, some different band playing on his sound system. He leans over to Colin expectantly, smiling. “So, when are you gonna show off this new band you’re listening to?” Colin laughs.

“Really? You hit me with the  _ sod off _ then expect me to sod right on back?” He glances over at Stefan, taking a chance and grabs his hand, holding it on the middle console. Stefan blushes, appreciating Colin’s thumb rubbing circles soothingly across the back of his hand. “If you were wondering, the band’s R.E.M., this American alternative rock group Kitty recommended to me. She’s always up-to-date on bands, that one.” He looks over at Stefan while waiting at a light. “I don’t think I’d be half as cool without her around, to be quite honest. I’d probably still be in my clothes from secondary school if it wasn’t for her.” He looks back to the road, hand still comfortable in Stefan’s.

“Yeah? And was the bleached hair you or her?” Stefan asks. Colin knocks their hands against the console lightly, nose scrunching up. 

“You really had to ask the most embarrassing question, Stef.” He laughs, a short nervous exhale. “Yeah, it was Kit’s idea to dye my hair, but it was my choice to keep it bleach blonde like this.” 

“So… You were too scared to dye your hair then, huh?” Stefan holds back laughter as Colin squirms, still holding tightly to his image.

“I mean like, yeah, but also no because I wanted bleach blonde hair, and it doesn’t matter if I chose this, because in another timeline I  _ do _ have dyed hair, so in the end it doesn’t even matter.” Colin says adamantly. Stefan dies laughing in the passenger seat, keeping his hold on Colin’s hand firm despite Colin’s incessant tugging. 

“Who knew you’d use your conspiracy theories to try and prove that you’re not totally lame?” He jokes. Colin rolls his eyes, pulling the car into a space.

“Well, would someone  _ ‘totally lame’ _ ” Colin uses air quotes even, turning to face Stefan, “take you to the cinema? I don’t think so.” He steps out of the car, smug expression on his face as he walks towards the theatre. Stefan rolls his eyes and follows him in, already thinking of ways to get him to buy them both snacks.

 

They end up seeing  _ Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom _ because it looked dark, but not too dark. Plus, who doesn’t love a good action movie? Stefan loves it, of course. He’s on the edge of his seat at every action scene, hand subconsciously linking with Colin’s own, gripping for dear life. Multiple times Colin leans over to murmur, “It’s just a movie, love. No need to worry.” only for Stefan to reply with a harsh  _ shh!! _ that puts every grandmother to shame. 

Colin is bored with the movie by the first five minutes, but entertains himself by watching Stefan. His focus and passion for anything he throws himself into is apparent, and Colin wonders how in the world Stefan managed to program Bandersnatch in sittings rather than one two-week session. He watches as Stefan holds his breath at the climax of the film, acting as if it were him suspended above lava. Colin wants nothing more in this moment than to kiss him, to move that focus back to him, to ground him. 

He’s jarred back into reality when Stefan lets out a sigh of relief once the woman suspended is freed from the lava threat (he was never all that good at paying attention to movies, sue him), and Colin just wants the film to be over so he can plant a kiss Stefan’s adorable, smiling face. Stefan catches his eyes then, while the movie is winding down. He blushes, looking down to their joined hands. Colin raises their hands to his mouth, kissing Stefan’s knuckles lightly, making firm eye contact. Stefan honest-to-god  _ giggles, _ but makes no effort to move away, that secret romantic.

 

“So, what was the movie about?” Colin asks on the drive home. Stefan laughs, smiling at Colin. At Colin’s I’m-actually-being-serious face, he goes deathly silent. 

“You’re not serious, are you?” He asks. Colin nods. “You- you paid for tickets and sweets and then didn’t pay attention?!” He says, affronted. Colin chuckles.

“Why would I pay attention to some action-filled mess when I can just watch you?” Colin pauses. “Wait, that sounded creepy. That’s not what I meant.” 

“Oh yeah? What’d you mean then?” Stefan teases. 

“Well, I paid money to… Fully realize your beauty.” He states. “It’s true!” He answers to Stefan’s scoff, left hand coming off of the steering wheel to grab Stefan’s own. 

“So what, I wasn’t good-looking before?” Stefan says, a bit quieter this time. A bit more shy, more coy.

“Oh no, you were good-looking before, but now you’ve been upgraded to gorgeous.” He grins, looking over at Stefan trying to tame his wild blush. His whole face is red, including the tips of his ears and (presumably) the back of his neck.

“You can’t- you can’t just cheat and say things like that!” Stefan states petulantly.

“What d’you mean?” 

“Well, I haven’t gotten the chance to make you blush properly yet!” Stefan says as they pull into his driveway. His eyes automatically register that his father’s car is not in it’s usual spot, and he feels braver. Colin shifts the car into park.

“Oh yeah? And what kind of stuff do you think makes me get as red as you do?” He smiles wide, winking. 

“Well, you’re handsome as fuck, but I think you already knew that.” He pauses, thinking. Colin hums along to the tape. “You… It’s nice that you’re tall.” Colin huffs a laugh.

“It’s nice, yeah?”

“Oh shut it! I’m trying to explain.” He clears his throat. “It’s nice that you’re tall because I fit perfectly into your arms, and then you can probably rest your head on mine.” He says innocently. The choice of tone hit right on the head of the nail, because he sees the tips of Colin’s ears change colors. Stefan somehow hides his triumphant grin and continues. “I like that you’re more cool and confident, I like that you have your unique style, and I really like that you want me to wear your clothes.” He fights down a blush, looking down at their joined hands and forces himself to continue. “I really, really like the fact that, um, just being around you makes me less anxious. Being able to hold your hand and all that makes me really happy.” 

He chances a glance up, only to see possibly the most lovestruck expression he had ever seen. Colin’s smiling softly,  _ genuinely _ , and his eyes are crinkling in the most adorable way. His cheeks are rosy pink, and Stefan is pleased to see that it makes his freckles stick out.

“You are the cutest person the world has ever seen, Stefan Butler.” Colin murmurs, moving his hands to cradle Stefan’s face. He leans in, pressing their lips together. Stefan’s eyes fall shut and he sighs, melting into Colin’s touch. His hands shift to Colin’s neck, holding him close. His mind quiets and his world focuses in to thoughts of Colin, Colin, Colin. 

They separate slowly, Stefan opening his eyes to see Colin looking at him with pure adoration, a gentle smile gracing his lips. The lips that Stefan just got to kiss. He smiles back, knowing that the adoration on Colin’s face is mirrored in his own. Their hands link again, and Stefan never wants to let him go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love like all the bandersnatch fics on ao3, but i guess i gotta be the only one to give stefans dad a break. also i think theres gonna be one more chapter, and i want it to be smut !! apparently my brain only wants pure things for these boys, but TRUST ME ill get to the horny boys soon.
> 
> also THANK YOU GUYS FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!!! it means the world <3 all my uwus are getting thrown at yall

**Author's Note:**

> its like 2am right now and i need to post this before i go insane. hopefully will write a second more touchy-feely chapter soon!! i love my boys and i cannot believe that no one (that ive seen) has seized on the opportunity of the whole "sissy" thing in the rabbit flashback. ok wuv you guys see you soon


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